A boy meets a girl. They have a good first impression of each other so they start dating. They get to know each other better and find even more things they like about each other. They notice a little habit that their lover has which they don’t particularly care for, but they choose to not make an issue of it. The relationship seems almost perfect. As time goes on, they each discover more and more about their partner that they don’t like, but by now they’ve put in quite a large emotional investment, so it seems stupid to risk a good night’s sleep over a few lumps in the mattress. After all, they believe that this is probably as good as it will ever get for them. Then, after more and more restless nights, they start to resent their partner, focusing more on the few springs in their back than on all of the good things they fell in love with at the beginning of the relationship. Eventually, they wonder why they are still with this person that they don’t actually like, and finally come face to face with the decision to either give up and just accept their lot in life or to actually do something about it.
Most people might think the “doing something about it” is leaving their partner, but it doesn’t have to be. In fact, doing that may just set you up for a repeat performance with another partner, which I’m going to talk more about later.
Another option is to actually sit down with your partner and have an open, honest, heart to heart communication about what is going on in each of your hearts and minds. And believe me when I tell you, I know what a scary proposition that is for someone who’s never really done it before. A lot of you may be feeling fear welling up at the thought of telling the truth. You may be worried that your honesty will be the death of your relationship, but if you’re not really alive in it now, it may be worth the risk.
I continue to be pleasantly surprised at how appreciative my wife is of my honesty, even at times when it brings up insecurities in her or is fuelled by my own insecurities. Our ability to communicate in an open, honest, loving way is the reason we’ve stayed together through all sorts of challenges.
Let’s imagine you tell your partner your truth. Assuming they’re sane, what’s the worst that could happen? They become really upset and leave you. You spend time grieving the loss, and then after the Law of Attraction responds to your expression of the new, true you, you meet someone who’s more aligned with your desires and develop an even better relationship. And that’s the worst that could happen!
So, what’s the best that could happen? Your partner is really open to and understanding of your needs and desires. They openly express their own needs and desires, and you see if your hearts’ desires really do match. If so, it brings you closer together and your relationship develops in magnificent ways. If not, it has still managed to bring you closer together and, with a lot of love in your hearts, you decide to go your separate ways. Either way, it’s a change for the best.
One communication exercise you and your partner can try is to sit opposite each other, gently looking into each other’s eyes while sitting in silence for a minute. (This alone may bring you closer together, so it is always a good way to start a heartfelt communication.) Then, one at a time, you speak some of your truth to your partner, using phrases such as, “I feel…” and “I would like…” and avoiding phrases that begin with the word “You…” (It is not about blame. It is about taking responsibility for your happiness by communicating your truth.) If it feels right, your partner can repeat what you say back to you so that you know that they have heard you, but they should not interrupt you or say anything other than the words you have just spoken. Then it is their turn to share their truth.
This kind of communication let’s you know exactly where you both stand. And when you are hoping to take steps in a positive direction, it is really helpful to know where you currently stand.
Having said that, it is sometimes difficult to really know where you yourself stand because so much of your own foundation is based on unconscious or transparent beliefs. This is where we start to talk about your relationship with yourself.
You have filters on your perception which limit your understanding of reality. And you are sharing your experience of reality with other Humans who also perceive the world through limiting beliefs. The truth you perceive is not The Truth, so there can only ever be subjective honesty in relationships.
When you agreed to the idea that you are a separate being with an identity which is different to that which surrounds you, you put a huge filter over your awareness, which only allows you to perceive The Truth from the confines of your Manufactured Self. Believing yourself to be human (and all that that entails) set you up for a very specific set of experiences, mainly within the confines of a body and a mind.
This initial ‘separation’ filter is the reason most of us see the world as being outside of ourselves instead of seeing it as a reflection of what is going on inside our mind. Our beliefs are thoughts that we have accepted as true. Accepting them as true, we don’t need to think about them consciously, so they get stored away in our subconscious. These subconscious beliefs attract our experience, so if you are finding life’s circumstances to be a bit difficult, it may be worth opening up the library of your mind and having a read.
Transparent beliefs can be uncovered by paying attention to our misperceptions, such as hearing someone say one thing when in fact they’ve said something else entirely. Your assumptions about what’s going on, whether accurate or not, show you what is going on with your beliefs. Develop your awareness. Becoming aware of your unconscious patterns brings them into the light of your conscious mind where you have more control over them instead of them having unconscious control over you.
You can change your beliefs if you want to. When you notice one of your false assumptions, admit it to yourself, e.g. “Sometimes I believe that people won’t like me for who I really am.” Take a breath and feel the truth of that statement. Then, search your memory for times in your life when the opposite of that statement was true for you, no matter how small or unimportant the occasion may seem. Now, declare the positive reflection of your original statement, e.g. “Sometimes people like me for who I really am.” Keep affirming that truth until it is strong in you. Focus on it and let the strength of that belief attract the appropriate reflections into your life experience.
It is a gentle process of awareness and action, using your feminine energy to receive guidance and your masculine energy to put that guidance into action. I trust my intuition. I believe it is more connected to the truth of a situation than my intellectual mind can ever be. So, doing what feels right, although sometimes scary, will always lead me along the fastest route to the best life possible for my unique self.
This balanced feminine / masculine, receptive / proactive way of living can become your new creative habit if you choose to practice it regularly.
The universe is one of relationships. It must be if it is one of separates and duality, which is what we have made it. The foundation of reality is one that we all agree on, and, as it spirals out, it becomes much more individual, ending up with you and me out here on the leading edge, relating our individual truths to each other.
If everyone told the truth, we would evolve further and faster than ever before. But in order to do that, we first need to discover our own truth. You may never understand the ultimate Truth, for it is beyond filters of separation, but I believe you can know it.
Knowing yourself brings a clarity to your creations. Loving yourself spreads Love out to the entire universe and reflects it all back to you. Being true to yourself moves you further and faster along your path of evolution and enlightenment. And, as always, the choice is yours to make.
First published in Positive Life – Summer 2010